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Submitted on
January 8, 2013
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For lunch, a dear friend gifted me a crafty aluminum lunchbox filled to the thin brim with salty cheese crackers and smoked trout.  The aroma of the smoked fish drew me in like a beautiful woman using the art of seduction.  With red wooden chopsticks in hand, I grasped small bits of the trout and led them to my moist lips.  Already, my mouth started to drip from the hunger sign of drool.  I stole the virgin bite.  Even to this late hour, there are still scales hidden between my teeth as if they are playing hide and go seek while I sleep until morning.

In the wake of the red dawn after my well deserved slumber, my brain is telling me to rise with the rooster.  My first usual routine is to ignore the rooster and place imaginary duct tape over my brain.  Every time without fail, this routine leads to karma which seems to wake me more alarmingly than the rooster.

After I finally kick myself from the comfort of my raunchy bed, I hobble to the kitchen table and confront a blue ceramic bowl.  The blue ceramic bowl stares right back at me, empty and infested with cobwebs.  The dusty clothes I toss on my back every morning hiss at me like snakes, and even then, I never knew the color they used to be.  The hat I cap the bald spot on my head with is stained of a teen prank that caused the poor thing to smell abominably of mustard and lemon.  It is high tide I sit where my ass once sat every day.
This is a piece I wrote out of boredom and for fun. As soon as I got to the third paragraph, I smiled and thought I should share.

Critiques are more than just welcome, they are encouraged.
:iconinnercartwheel:
Hello, there. This was an entertaining read. However, there were some things that could be fixed to be made better.

"The enchanting aroma of the smoked fish drew me in like a beautiful woman using the art of seduction." - that sentenced sounded somewhat awkward. It could be - "The aroma of the smoked fish drew me in like a seductive woman playing her talent." - and that would explain it well enough.

Also, the paragraphs sounded very disconnected. The three paragraphs have little to nothing to do with each other. Between all the paragraphs, there should be a sort of a phrase that suggests the next paragraph. For example, at the end of the first paragraph, it never told me what happened in between the late midnight to the wake of dawn. It doesn't have to be much, but it would be better if it had some connection. Even an "after that" or "later" or some short explanation to how the blue ceramic bowl got there would be very helpful.

The piece is left open-ended. What did that last paragraph mean, or have to do with the last night and the fish? There needs to be something to tie the whole piece together or else we have no idea what the point of the writing was about, or what happens at the "end".

Otherwise, it was a fun read. I liked the description, like at the end of the first paragraph and the last paragraph. Keep writing!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshadowtheblade:
This was a great piece of work and i don't many way that it could be improved by anyone. If you make more, witch i suggest you will. Make them better than the last. Improve your writing, if it's possible. Although, i'd say personally, that whilst you make your everlasting artwork, others shall try to achieve what you have, but they cannot. Try as they will.
The vision you have on this, is quite appealing, and inspires me to continue with my story's. As i hope you will make more, The impact this has had on me, i can't explain it. Inspiring? That isn't enough to say it all! The originality and technique, must have been hard for you to achieve. I can't bore you with my details of how great it is, it would take a forty-page book to explain. This was the best i have seen in a long, long time.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconvedabitsaha:
vedabitsaha Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i'm not that much of a critique, but i really like how well you have described the scene ;)
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:iconneiot:
Neiot Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It's short and sweet. I am always prepared to improve as long as it does not include dense elongated reading. :nod:
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:iconvedabitsaha:
vedabitsaha Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
haha i see :)
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